


Farmer Thanos Vs. the Crow

by aandromedaa



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: (I Know Right), Gen, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Thanos POV, crow!loki, farmer!Thanos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-08 14:22:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17982764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aandromedaa/pseuds/aandromedaa
Summary: After the grueling job of having to balance the entire universe, Thanos wants nothing more than to take a moment to relax, but this stupid bird just won’t let him.





	Farmer Thanos Vs. the Crow

**Author's Note:**

> “How does he know what a crow is?” there are space crows don’t worry about it.

Balancing the universe was exhausting, incredibly noble and just work, and Thanos was tired of it. So tired, in fact, that he decided to retire from his self-proclaimed job title of “universe manager” and settle down for a change.

After the snap, and the following “balancing” as he referred to it to himself, he traveled to a random planet. Maybe it had life on it, but since he cut all populations down to half, he figured whoever dwelled there could spare a few acres.

He decided to pick up farming. Nothing too large scale, just enough for himself, so as not to be wasteful. _What a brilliant, humble, altruistic person I am_ , he thought to himself every day. _I wanted balance to the universe and I got it. I am such a good person_.

He grew a great variety of crops, none that earth had ever seen before. He supposed they could share similarities with earth plants, if he ever thought about that, but he didn’t, because why would he think about earth plants ever. He didn’t even have names for the ones he was growing. It was much simpler to refer to the plants by what they looked like.

This morning in particular, the tall plants with bunches of yellow seeds were in shreds. The leaves looked as if they’d been torn off and ripped apart individually. The seeds themselves were plucked off the plant and nowhere to be seen, as if they’d been eaten. He’d feared as much; the limited knowledge he had of farming warned him of pests, or varmints as he heard once on a tv show.

Thanos gave a once over around his humble farm: the red berry bushes with pointed leaves, the plants that he had to uproot just to eat, the ones that were just all green leaves. That one he did give a name, actually: Gamora, after the daughter he so heroically and selflessly sacrificed, because she was also green like the plant. He thought about naming the blue flowering plant after his other, blue, daughter, but he couldn’t remember her name.

“No varmints…” he said, after not finding anything out of the usual.

“CAW!” Thanos started, and looked up towards the direction of the noise. Perched atop his modest farmhouse was a jet black crow. It tilted its head from side to side, as if trying to get a better look at him. He frowned. All of this work just for a bird to ruin it in one night. He briefly considered breaking out the gauntlet for old times sake and just snapping at the bird, but he couldn’t. The universe was already balanced, and he really couldn’t afford to back out of that ideology now. He supposed he would, mercifully, let the crow live. It probably already had its fill anyways.

Thanos watched the crow flutter down from the roof to the ground. It hopped around the shredded remains of the plants, probably looking for any seeds it may have missed. He smiled to himself, the bird probably forgot it had already eaten all of the seeds. Save for one, he noticed, that was still in its protective leaf covering.

“CAW!” Thanos’ attention was brought back to the crow, who was now staring intently at him. Almost as if on cue, it looked directly at the uncovered seed pouch and hopped towards it. It looked back at him once more, then meticulously ripped off each individual leaf before swallowing the three yellow seeds inside whole.

This was just enough to push him from “almost mad” to “absolutely furious” and he stomped towards the crow to shoo it away. It shot up from the ground, half circled around him, and landed on the straw hat on his head, immediately pecking his forehead with its small but surprisingly sharp beak. He shooed it away again, and this time the little bird flew away towards the trees on the edge of his farm. Oh well.

He looked back towards the ruined crops. Fixing that mess would definitely cut into his ‘staring wistfully at the sunset’ time, but he supposed that was to be expected from time to time in his new profession.

The next morning played out similarly. This time the green leafy ones were left without leaves, and the same crow stood nearby. It hopped across the plant shreds, seemingly admiring its work. He stomped towards it again, but this time the crow only hopped back, staring back at him, unfazed. Eventually, after it was clear the crow wouldn’t startle, he began swinging towards it with his watering can. Narrowly avoiding the swing, the crow flew away. Since Thanos didn’t care for the leafy ones in the first place, he decided he won this interaction. Though, he did wonder why the crow would be hungry, since it would be competing with half as many crows now. Oh well.

The next weeks did not pass well for farm Thanos. After the first two incidents, all had been silent. Then he woke up to a field of the grainy plants torn from the ground. Well, half of the plants had been torn from the ground. The other half remained untouched. He ran outside to investigate, only finding the same damned crow waiting for him.

“CAW!” The little creature hopped towards his leg and looked up at him, tilting its head. _Why did it stop at half of the field?_ he wondered. _It’s just a crow, it couldn’t know_ — but he stopped that thought right there. It was just a crow. The fact that it so happened to take only half of the field was coincidental. It was probably because the bird was so tiny anyways. Though, he did need to find a solution to this little problem. He came to the countryside to retire, not to deal with zealous pests.

One day a little girl came across his house, and Thanos stopped her on her way to ask about the best way to get rid of a crow. Unfortunately she would not stop going on and on about “having to work twice as hard now that mother’s turned to dust”, but from what he got out of her, he’d have to construct a scarecrow.

He didn’t know what that was, actually, but he was certain he could construct something that would “scare” a “crow”. They were just little birds, they must frighten easily.

There were a few possibilities in his mind for a scarecrow, including a device that periodically threw rocks at various crops. In the end he decided on just leaving his old suit of armor out on a stand as an imitation of himself, something he found infinitely clever. _This_ _will_ _get_ _that_ _stupid_ _bird_ , he thought. _Surely_ , _if_ _there_ _is_ _anything_ _that_ _bird_ _could_ _be_ _afraid_ _of_ , _it_ _is_ _me_.

It worked. The next couple of days passed in peace, and Thanos was even able to squeeze in more ‘think solemnly about your noble sacrifice’ time in the day. The plants were looking to be ripe, too. He’d even harvested the first of the produce. It seemed everything was coming up Thanos. That is, until the crow found another way to plague his life.

One morning he awoke before the sunrise. Unusual, considering the light through his window functioned as his alarm, and outside was still pitch black. He sat up in confusion wondering what could have woken him up, when he heard what sounded like a ripping sound in the kitchen. He rushed from his room to see the cause of the noise, and was greeted by a complete mess.

The burlap sacks that he’d placed the produce in were methodically ripped along the seam. The crops themselves were strewn about the floor and in various states of ruin. He stood, mouth agape, for a moment. The way the crops were destroyed and half-eaten led him to believe that some sort of wild animal had gotten in, but the way the bags were opened—wait. There, in the remains of one of the reddish plants—a little crow footprint.

Immediately, he went to check each and every window or point of entry into the farmhouse, but it still seemed secure. There was no way it could enter, so how did this crow still find a way in?

Tap. Thanos’ head whipped around to face the sound. Out on the windowsill of the kitchen, the crow sat, its head tilting side to side as if it were mocking him. It tapped the glass again, and if he weren’t standing in this particular mess at the moment, he’d think the crow wanted to be let in. But he _was_ standing in this mess, and he was certain this crow knew exactly how to get in. He narrowed his eyes at it, and the crow, as if reading his mind, hopped back a bit, looking… smug—if a bird was even capable of being smug.

No, no that’s crazy, he thought to himself, and shook his head to clear his mind a bit. _I am not crazy. I am the one who destroyed half of all life to bring balance. I am not crazy._ This insignificant crow had had enough fun. This would end tomorrow.

The next morning came quickly, since he’d already been up anyways. Thanos sat on top of the roof with his straw hat on, gazing down on his incredibly humble farm. In his left hand, the remains of the infinity gauntlet, almost destroyed but probably usable one last time. The stupid crow wouldn’t stand a chance.

“That’s a bit of an overkill, don’t you think?” The voice sounded familiar, but in the way that a bad impression is vaguely familiar because the connection never really lands. Thanos turned around, not really worried since he had the gauntlet.

“I mean, aren’t you only after a ‘stupid crow’?” Standing in front of him on the roof was a man with curly black hair and a golden helmet which, again, looked familiar but he still could not place the memory. He readied the gauntlet, not wanting to bother with this stranger, but nothing happened. “Oh, that won’t work anymore. I took out those stones. The ones you have only glow.” He stood up and faced the man fully, now looking down at the gauntlet and realizing that the stones were indeed missing. No wonder there was no “swoosh” when he put it on that time.

“Who are you?” He asked, on much higher alert. Whoever this guy was, he’s clearly a threat.

“Aw, you don’t recognize me? A guy can torture and brainwash you, but can’t be bothered to learn your name,” he drawled. He spoke purposefully, like he’d been practicing this.

“You’re going to have to be more specific,” he said. The slight smile on his face flattened.

“Wow. And people call ME a sociopath.” Thanos didn’t have time to question that part. “Whatever. Let me jog your memory.” He raised a hand, and in it, the tesseract materialized. Or a projection of it. He was pretty sure he’d destroyed it to get the space stone, but things were getting kinda weird.

“The tesseract,” he said. Great, so he was dealing with some kind of witch.

“Remember now?” Thanos squinted his eyes. He really, really didn’t.

The man stayed silent for a moment. “Ugh, you’re ruining this whole thing!” he said, and the whiny tone finally clicked the memory in his mind

“You’re that Asgardian.”

“Still no name?”

“Loki.” He paused. “I killed you,” he said incredulously.

“Yeah, but I’m okay now. You’ll find it quite impossible to actually kill me.”

“It did seem to stop you for a while. I could always try again,” Thanos said, and took a step forward.

The Asgardian laughed. “Threatening me was how you used to get what you wanted, wasn’t it? Ah, but that won’t work now. You have no leverage and I’m afraid you have no power behind your threats either. You could kill me now, and again, and again, but I promise you I’ll return to destroy whatever excuse for a life you build for yourself. I will rip your world apart through such unsuspecting means that you will not even notice you are insane until you are sitting on your roof with all of your strength waiting for a tiny bird to flutter by.” He smiled.

“So your grand plan was to annoy me with a crow?”

“Worked, didn’t it? I mean, I stole your most valuable possession right under your nose, and your short-sighted ‘plan to bring balance to the universe’—“ he said with mocking grandeur “—is being reversed as we speak. I handed all of the stones to Thor and he and his… less important friends are undoing your precious ‘balancing’.”

“You can read minds?” Thanos asked, wondering if it was merely a coincidence he’d called it by the name he gave it.

“You speak out loud to yourself far more often than you realize. Anyways, I should probably be on my way. After Nebula realizes where you are because I told her, she’s going to kill you. I’d love to stick around for the show, but you are just not that high on my list of priorities.”

“You’re really going to be the one to try and teach me a ‘lesson’?” he asked. “I remember you lamenting over and over about your own crimes against your people while you were in my possession.” Loki flinched. Thanos smiled. “You think you have any place to tell me I’m in the wrong?”

“Absolutely not. I’m doing this because you killed me, idiot.” Loki suddenly looked over Thanos’ head and smiled, causing him to turn around as well. Over the horizon was a ship, one he could only assume belonged to his least favorite daughter. Somehow he didn’t feel too good about this encounter anymore. He turned back around to face the Asgardian, who waved a mocking hand at him.

“Oooh, her unbridled rage combined with your utter helplessness without your minions or stones; this is a totally unfair fight.” He grinned, “have fun!” With that, a green light enveloped Loki and he disappeared. As he did, the ship Thanos had seen earlier landed below. He thought, for the first time, that maybe his actions had unintended consequences.

The ship’s hatch opened.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading lads comments + kudos appreciated :3


End file.
